I’m still alive… Not breathing so well, but still alive.

Shreveport was a freaking blast. Not only did the casino virgin lose her gambling virginity, she also lost her phone.

Yes, my money and my fucking cell phone are circulating around Shreveport.

I really did have fun though. At the time, I didn’t care that I couldn’t find it. I am getting a new one Tuesday. I didn’t think I used it that much until I didn’t have one anymore. A week without a phone is incredibly inconvenient.

I know this post is a total let down, but I am sick. Not Wendy-Flu-Sick, but still sick. I think it’s my allergies. Whatever it is, it originally took up residence in my head but has since moved to my chest. I have a lovely cough to go with the congestion now.

It sucks.

I can’t breathe. Ice cream is the only thing that sounds good. And not Weight Watchers approved ice cream. My illness is testing my willpower and so far, the illness is winning. Fucker.

Man it feels good to be sarcastic. I have been too sick and worn out to find sarcasm in anything I say and/or think.

Maybe I’m getting better…

I’M GOING TO SHREVEPORT!

I’m so freaking excited. The only time I have been in a casino, I wasn’t old enough to gamble. I am broke as hell and will probably just throw a few dollars away on slot machines BUT I DON’T CARE!!!! I’m taking a road trip with my friends and I so JAZZED! We are leaving after work tomorrow. SO SO SO FREAKING EXCITED TO HAVE A MINI-VACATION!!!! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. So what else is going on since I seem to have disappeared from the blog world?

Last night I was driving home from my friends’ (THE FRIENDS I AM GOING TO SHREVEPORT WITH!!!) house and saw a guy walking down the street with a gas can in his hand. Poor guy… 11 o’clock at night and he had to walk to the gas station. But it was then I realized his intelligence (or lack thereof) could have been the reason he ran out of gas… In true dumbass fashion, he was holding a lit cigarette in the other hand.

Gas can in the left hand. Lit cigarette in the other. Good luck, Dude. You need it.

It’s been storming here. We are in a pattern of one hellacious storm a week. I love storms though - I am the daughter of a meteorologist. I am fascinated by lightning, thunder, tornadoes, hail… you name it. I tried to take some pictures the other night but the look like a storm on acid. Here is an example:

See? It looks like a bad trip. I tried a bunch of different flashes but they all came out weird. This picture is actually from last week’s storm. We had hail with that one. It was just pea size though. I know my neighbors thought I was a total weirdo. Especially the people who live in that house in the picture. They were out in their yard, checking shit out and there I was, pointing my camera right at them. Hopefully they know I was going just going for a good shot… I figured out I have to invest in a tripod to get the good lightning shot. Sorry y’all, you will have to settle with what I have. I can’t afford that and hello! I would go from weird to creepy! I’m pretty sure someone would notice the freak with the tripod on her porch. Anyway… we had another one last night. I noticed several uprooted trees this morning. It freaks me out a little to see what a storm can do, but much more fascinated by them. (Thanks Dad!! He also gave me $50 for my trip!!)

Here’s a funny for you…

So the other day, I am driving home from work… the same way I have driven FOREVER. BUT the weather is nice, the windows were down and the sunroof was open. I was rocking out to “Bad” (Yes, I was singing every word with Michael and damnitt, I was BAD.) and slowly approached the usual stoplight. I was at the intersection of Ghetto Way and The ‘Hood Drive.

“You know I’m BAAAD! I’m BAAAD! C’mon you know I’m BAD! REALLY REALLY BAD!

And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again WHO’S BAD!”

Hmmm. I noticed people at the gas station without working gas pumps staring at me. (I wonder what would keep a gas station with non-working pumps in business??)

ohmigawd. They can see me. They can HEAR me. SINGING HOW FUCKING BAD I AM. I AM IN THE FREAKING GHETTO! holyshitholyshitholyshit. I don’t care if people hear/see me singing in the car. Whatev. It’s my car and my drive. HOWEVER… I don’t make it habit to invite attention my way when my windows are rolled all the way down. I drive a two door Honda Civic. That’s a lot of room to reach in and grab whatever you want. My purse was seating in the seat next me. I am usually very conscience of this part of town when I have to drive through. I don’t roll my windows all the way down, I don’t make eye contact with anyone and I DON’T ATTRACT ATTENTION TO MYSELF. I saw my first hooker on this street. It is NOT a good part of town. So what do I do?

Roll the windows up? No.

Turn the radio down? No.

Throw my purse in the floorboard? No.

My first reaction was to change the gawd damned song.

“It’s close to midnight… something evil’s lurking from the dark…”

OH MY GAWD, STUPID! TURN THE FUCKING RADIO OFF!

Thankfully, the light turned green and I could enjoy Thriller. I did the dance in my head. Speaking of, Andrea posted this video awhile back. I searched on YouTube and found this one:

I know you want to compare it to the original, so here you go (It’s the whole effing thing - skip forward 8 minutes):

Enjoy!

I plan on taking LOTS of pictures and I feel sure I will have some good stories for y’all!!

The 5 Meme

I was tagged by Betme do this meme! It’s a bunch of stuff in fives

*****

FIVE Things In My Purse/Bag/Briefcase

The absolute most important thing of all - Avon Strawberry Chapstick:

 

Cell Phone:

 

My newest item… the Weight Watchers food tracker:

 

Spearmint Gum:

 

My pill case thing… full of ibuprofen and allergy medicine :

 

*****

FIVE Things In My Room

My Bakers Rack with nothing on the bottom rack yet:

 

My picture and sconces (I didn’t use the flash…sorry!!):

 

My Bed:

 

My TV:

 

My Closet:

 

*****

FIVE Things I Am Into

BLOGGING!

 

Frame Projects (I can’t sit long enough to do a scrapbook and sorry, these are not my kids and I don’t know how my sis would feel about their pics being out here!):

 

Reading:

 

Crosses:

 

(I only listed four… ooops!) 

*****

FIVE Things I Have Always Wanted To Do

Go to NYC during the holidays. I want to see Rockefeller Center:

 

See Ireland:

 

Have babies (omg! How cute is this baby??!?):

 

Teach:

 

As much as I hate to admit this… fall in love, get married and have a memorable wedding. Nothing extravagant, but a wedding for sure:

 

*****

FIVE People I Am Tagging (No Pressure And Sorry If You Don’t Do These, I Didn’t Look First!)

CowGal

Adam

Wendy

Cappy

George

PEACE OUT!

Some Smiley Happy Shit

I haven’t had a happy post lately… here are some things that made me smile today. 

Today’s Awesome Weather! (Sorry Talea!) Why??? I roll down my windows and open the sunroof every chance I get. I turn up the radio LOUD and dance and sing the whole way home. I don’t give a shit who sees and/or hears me. It’s the closest I get to being a on motorcycle. (I will force the next boyfriend to get one, I don’t care what it takes!) AND my radio stations always play good music around 5. I sang “Dude Look Like A Lady”, “Shot Down In Flames”, “If You Want Blood You Got It” (who else thinks of Joe playing the drums? “LUCAS! Where’s the money? …Is it coming back from Atlantic City?”), “Enter Sandman” and a whole bunch more. I danced the whole way home.

I thought about that dumb bitch being stung by her bees.

This VERY sweet young man calls every year -at least 10 times- and asks us a zillion questions. They are not yes or no questions. They require reading, asking an officer, some more reading and long detailed answers. We know his voice when he calls and he is the nicest boy ever. I would say he’s probably 15 or so. Anyway, I talked to him and he asked to speak to my supervisor because I was so nice and answered all his complicated questions. (People usually want to tell her I’m a bitch.)

My 5-year-old nephew is going through a hard time right now. (His father is a complete ASS.) My mom made him green eggs and ham for dinner. She’s awesome like that. She also called to be catty about his father. We do that a lot. My sister can only listen to for so long… even though they are divorced, he is still the father of her children. *Insert Eyeroll* (I get that, but if you knew the situation, you would wonder why she hasn’t cut his balls off. Seriously.)

My co-worker (with all the disgusting eating habits) is stuck on the phone for a few weeks. (Choirs are singing “HALLELUJAH!”) The phone SUCKS. You have to give directions and answer a lot of the same questions over and over and over. It’s also easier for people to be mean. It’s very passive aggressive… I can say your dumb because you can’t see me and when I come in, you won’t know I was the the rude asshole on the phone. Fuckers.

I wore my new sassy shoes today. I resisted the ballet-flat trend for so long, but I gave in when I spotted these at Target Saturday. Sorry, I am not a good shoe model.

For lunch, I had the best wrap ever and I made it! (Thank you Joan!)

AND… Grey’s Anatomy starts in ONE week. That’s right! This time next week, my ass will be parked on the couch ready for a dose of McDreamy and McSteamy. WOO HOO

P.S. Apparently, I am in a very parenthesis-using kind of mood. Sorry ’bout that.

Fuck you and your bees.

Some rude bitch just told me I was dumb because I couldn’t tell her how to get rid of bees. Wait, I did tell her. I TOLD HER TO CALL AN MF’n EXTERMINATOR. She didn’t think that was reasonable so I suggested googling it and apparently, that makes me dumb.

“You know what? Nevermind. Thank you… SHE WAS DUMB! SHE DIDN’T KNOW!”

I guess she didn’t think I could hear her as she was hanging up.

You know what, bitch? Fuck you very much. Fuck YOU and your fucking bees. I hope they sting you but I hope you aren’t allergic to bees because I will burn in hell for hoping you get stung.

P.S. I will answer your comments soon, I promise!! I will read your blogs soon, I promise!

Excuse me, Miss? I think you’re crazy.

I haven’t given y’all any work goodies in awhile.

A few years ago, this lady called our office because she was worried about some ducks in a community pond. I don’t remember exactly what her concern was BUT I can tell you that the ducks were considered domestic because people fed them all the time. We don’t really have much to do with them. If they are hurt, take them to the vet or call a rehabilitator. ANYWAY … she wasn’t happy with this answer so she came to our office. She was dressed in a classic 1984 navy blue business suit and had a briefcase with her.  (I should also tell you she came in during the summertime. That is our busy season so there were at least 50 people in here.) She got up to a window and went on and on and on about these effing ducks. The clerk waiting on her finally gave up and went into the back to bribe an officer to come out front and talk to her.

She got tired of waiting so she went looking around the office. She was reading brochures, pamphlets, etc. Then she noticed our fallen officers poster. Because the writing was so small and she was apparenly very intrigued by it, she climbed on top of our shitty couch (pictured below) and tried to balance - in heels- while she read the poster. After wobbling back and forth for a few minutes, she got down and went back to the window. EVERYONE was staring at her. I really don’t think she noticed. She wandered over to my window since the clerk waiting on her wasn’t back yet.

“I was just noticing your fallen heroes poster!” (The f-a-l-l was pronounced FAL - as in rhymes with PAL.)

No shit. Everyone in this office saw your grown ass STANDING ON A COUCH to read it… Blank stare. What the hell am I suspposed to say?

“Is SomebodyIHaveNeverHeardOf on your fal-len heroes poster?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember all the names on it.” I don’t know ANY names on it. It was printed about 10 years ago.

“I really like your fal-len heroes.”

Awkward smile.

“It’s a great poster!”

What the hell?? I think she wanted me to give it to her. “Yeah, it is.”

FINALLY the clerk waiting on her came back up front and an officer had to give her the disappointing we-don’t-take-care-of-domestic-animals speech.

She was a fucking nut. What grown woman stands on a couch in a public place?????

___________________________________

Had a funny phone call today:

HI! I was looking for your new Texas tourism book!

I’m sorry, we don’t have those here.

Dang. I have this paper advertising it but I can’t figure out who has them.

Is there a phone number on it?

Yes, but, uuuhhhh… it’s for SEX.

WHAT?

I know! I was so embarrassed when I called. I don’t want to call back.

Yeah, I wouldn’t either!

The Entertainment Meme

Joan tagged me with this meme… and it’s the first one I have ever done. Here goes…

 

BOOKS

I like to read but a book has to have me by the first chapter. If not, I won’t finish it.

Currently, I am reading Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers. It’s really interesting and parts of it are pretty funny. Parts of it are also pretty gross. It’s a good one though.

I use my library card a lot. I am a book snob and will only buy books I know I will read again. I will wander in book store for hours looking for a book good enough to buy. Usually I just end up making mental notes of what books to check out.

Series of books I love, own, and recommend:

Harry Potter and Stephanie Plum. HP really needs no explanation. You have to be living under a rock to not know him. ;) Stephanie Plum is a bounty hunter and she’s awful. She is the worst bounty hunter EVER. The books are damn funny. I laugh out loud every time I read them. There are currently 13 books in the series. The fourteenth is coming out this summer. The author, Janet Evanovich, also wrote a few “in between the numbers” books but they are kind of weird. You don’t have to read them to follow the series.

Other books I love, own, and recommend:

Marley and Me by John Grogan. If you have ever owned a dog, you have to read this. It is so good. There are versions available for children too. Warning… this is a true story and it made me cry. Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson are starring in the movie coming out later this year.

Where The Heart Is by Billie Letts. Yes, the book about the girl who had her baby in Wal-Mart. It’s way better than the movie.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells. If you were raised Catholic, you HAVE to read this. It is so good. One of the girls paints her uber-Catholic mother’s Virgin Mary statue’s toenails! Again, this book is WAY better than the movie. I haven’t read any of her others though.

Two books I think every child should own (and I own as an adult!):

The Eleventh Hour by Graeme Base and The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

 

MUSIC

I am a music junkie! I have it on all the time. I listen to a little of everything. My iTunes and burned CDs appear to have ADD because they are so random and different.

Currently, I am listening to my “Background” playlist. It’s what I listen to when I am on the computer and have to think about what I am doing (such as writing a blog post!) and can’t be distracted. I sing along when it’s just me and more often than not, I will write what I am singing. This playlist consists of the 2 CD purchase of Buddha Bar IX, Enya and Enigma. Buddha Bar is a mix of all different people and music. It’s kinds of hard to explain but I found it on iTunes and Amazon. It’s hard to find in stores and last I checked, iTunes only had this one CD. Enya has been around for awhile. I LOVE her voice…it’s amazing. I don’t always know what she’s saying because some of her songs are not in English but the are still pretty! Enigma is great too because it’s not the same stuff over and over. Most of the songs are very different.

I love Classic Rock and when I am not listening to a CD in the car, I usually always have it on one of our Classic Rock or Rock stations. Some rock bands I love: Aerosmith, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Van Halen, Guns-N-Roses (WITH Slash), Buckcherry, and Blue October. Other music I love (I will keep this short but there are many many more!!!): Joan Jett, John Mayer, Johnny Cash, Pat Green, The Goo Goo Dolls, Nelly Furtado, Timbaland, Ben Lee, Gavin Friday, Muse, Maroon 5, John Michael Montgomery, Amy Winehouse, 311, Sublime, Rob Zombie, George Strait, OneRepublic, Nine Inch Nails, Cross Canadian Ragweed… okay I have to stop.

One more.

NIKKA COSTA. This girl can SING. Check her out here. She also has crazy wild red hair and I love that. Frank Sinatra was her godfather.

 

TV

I try not to get addicted to TV but there are some shows I can’t live without. They are:

Heroes

Grey’s Anatomy

Private Practice (spin-off from Grey’s)

October Road (This might not be coming back…DAMNITT!)

CSI: Miami (Even though Horatio Caine is the cheesiest character on TV…)

One Tree Hill (This used to be a show about high school kids but they are all 21 now so I don’t feel so bad for watching it.)

I can’t stand reality TV. The only reality show I have ever watched is season 1 and 2 of Beauty and the Geek. It was HYSTERICAL. I have watched a couple episodes of this season’s Dancing With the Stars but other than that, I stay away from it. I think it’s all fixed.

So there you go.

I guess I am should tag people but don’t feel any pressure to do it! And if you have it posted somewhere that you don’t do these…sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.

Betme

Reggie

Romi

Cappy

Talea

Peace out!

P.S. Where did the EFFING spell check go?

Work Sucks!

We are actually getting a steady of flow of people in here and it’s cutting into my blog time. DAMNITT. I promise, I’m not ignoring your blogs or comments - I’m just being force to work for my paycheck.

I’m not posting my rant. It was going to be one of “My Love Letters” to a friend but I am still too pissed off. It’s not funny yet.

What were YOU doing at 2:30 AM?

When I sleep, I have to have a fan on. It doesn’t matter if it’s 20°… I gotta have a fan! I need the noise. Not too long after I moved into my apartment, I noticed my ceiling fan made a really awful squealing noise. It only did it every now and then but one night it was so bad I had to get up and WD40 the stupid thing. I didn’t have any problems with it after that.

Until last night.

The circulation in my room is really bad so I had to turn the A/C on last night. It was the first time I have turned it on in MONTHS. I was in a nice cool sleepy daze when I heard it.

SQEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Crap.

It sounded like a rat the size of a Labrador. It was fingernails-down-a-chalkboard BAD.

I was way too tired to get up and WD40 it. Plus, I would need to turn the light on. I would also have to stand on my bed for a few minutes and make sure it didn’t drip on my bedspread. Not interested. I laid there long enough to notice it only made this awful noise when the A/C kicked on. Hmmm, I thought that was kind of strange but the fourth time it happened, I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. I was definitely calling the office in the morning and asking for a new fan. I was also considering the couch because it was REALLY effin’ loud. I couldn’t turn the A/C off because I would suffocate. I couldn’t turn the fan off because I would hear everything going on outside. (My bedroom window is next to the sidewalk and the carports.) So now it’s 2:30. I’m awake and the A/C just kicked on. Just then, the light bulb went off. “Maybe it’s the air blowing on the fan…” In the dark, I grabbed a chair and put it under the vent. I very carefully (I fall a lot, remember? This is a recipe for disaster.) reached up and moved the air-direction-up-and-down-thingy half an inch down. The squeal stopped and the air was now hitting the bed! WOO HOO!!! Two birds, one stone and 4 hours of cool quiet sleep! So what were y’all at 2:30 this morning?

I am being subpoenaed as a witness for a car accident back in October. Should be fun…

I have a rant to post later.

Oh just some things…

Just some random things today. I was going to make it a Thursday Thirteen, but I can’t think of thirteen things.

*Last night, my 5-year-old nephew and I were reading books… He was trying to sound out “Hooray!” WHORRRR-EEYYY. WHORREEY. I know! It’s WHOREY! hahahahaha

*After talking with Joan, I decided to join Weight Watchers. (Thank you, Joan!)

*My boss made me feel bad for it. (Yeah, that’s the kind of great person she is.) I didn’t even want to tell my co-workers. I printed my registration card but got a customer before I could get up and retrieve it. She saw it and handed it to me. “Good luck.” She said it with that half snort/snarky tone. THAT is why I didn’t want her to know.

*I have never had to deal with a lawyer but these two people made me realize why people consider them scum. I have watched enough Law & Order to know there are good lawyers out there but these two are something else. If I ever need one, I hope I get someone who thinks this is just as ridiculous as I do.

 

WOW.

I’m not perfect - I can admit that I have driven under the influence when I was young and stupid. There are times I wonder how I got home unscathed. Stupid, I know. I can say that I have never promoted drinking and driving and I now know my limits… But these billboards are just wrong. I wasn’t going to edit the names and numbers out but they would find a way to sue me. I think I should send them to M.A.D.D. though.